FrostingAndFire

ERIN LANG--You're Better Off

2012-02-02T08:47:00.000-08:00

times three.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGwmhPuq0JQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGwmhPuq0JQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGwmhPuq0JQ

NORTH

2012-02-02T05:42:00.000-08:00

when i stand on my head
north is down
another
crime of isolation
i say

(those are the crimes
that happen because
we are alone
without others to
correct us
or shame us
into conforming)

sitting on the train
back going north
i only know because
the train is called
metro north

but when i come back
the next day
i sit backwards
facing the place
i am going away from
it feels again
like i am going
north

can i stand on my head
and send a letter
to santa
who lives
according to my sense
of what is right
way
way
down?

in my letter i'm going to ask
for a new camera
one that has a gps in it
and every time i snap a shot
it will record where i physically
am

because what i see
and where i am
are never
the same.

SUZY D.

THE RISK

2012-01-27T20:32:00.000-08:00

never defeated
i know the story
don't let your guard down
don't let them see you sweat
don't show your hand
good fucking Lord
has no one introduced you to
an idea called
innocence?
truth?
kindness?
vulnerability?
love?
good luck to you and your hand
your guard
your sweat
and your story is going to
haunt you
as you die.

WONDERFUL YEAR

2012-01-21T17:02:00.000-08:00

a wonderful wonderful year
take the shit and stick it
under the peat
stomp the divots
with your feet
stomp the divots
with your feet

it's been a long long time
waiting for such a wonderful
wonderful year

falling backwards only takes you
back
roll me forward into the future and tell me
it's full of vistas and petunias
you said a lot of things would be
in my future
and that it would be a
wonderful wonderful year.

The Discarded

2012-01-17T15:51:00.000-08:00

Thrown aside

It is the discarded
Who call for the apathetic master to return

Camroc Press Review Published This

2012-01-05T07:29:00.000-08:00

http://www.camrocpressreview.com/2011/12/suzy-devere.html

cut and paste old school style
to go there.

DON'T ANSWER "GOD"

2012-01-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

watching for a sign
fire from circles on the water
birds flying upside down
paper turning in circles then
blowing
away

those signs do not arrive

those signs are movie props

they stand in for the depth of feeling
and emotion one is
expected
to have during times of great revelation

sometimes they are used as forewarning
of what is to come

but I am just a
lone
person without a movie crew
no sound man
gaffer definitely absent

where is my sign?
what am i looking for?

shhhhhhh...
stop

don't answer "GOD"

without that response
now what do you
say?

--SUZY D.

YOU THINK YOU CANNOT BE

2011-12-09T19:47:00.001-08:00

You think you cannot
be the one to die
in dirty underware

the house a mess
half-drunk mugs of
moldy coffee sitting
still on nearby bookshelves
brought hot then forgotten
in the haste that was your
hurried struggle of a life

You think you cannot
be the one to live
without a lover
for years on end

alone at Christmas
Thanksgiving
Easter
Seder
Secretary's Day and everything
in between

You think you cannot
be the old lady
whose life
all
took place
before "the" invention
that everyone
born now
cannot
imagine life without

but you can
and you might
just
be.

Suzy Devere

GODIVA ON A HORSE

2011-11-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

beauty is different
than godiva on a horse
or midcentury modern
it exists in a liminal place
that is paradoxical
you may not even know you are there
when you are
like you never know you're young
when you're young

The Other Iceberg

2011-10-22T20:35:00.001-07:00

He said he'd never heard a story
of love like that
mixed with
break up sex
and longing
and need
deep into the days and years and wilderness of lonliness that
follow
divorce

He said he'd never even imagined
that lovers who could be so vile
to what once was
defacing every last monument to their love
could come together with fired breath and
consider themselves "home"
after everything they'd done
after what they were
or are
still engaged in doing
to each other

the ruin they are wishing
on each other

He said he'd never heard a story
like that.

He didn't believe that it was true.

PUSH STICK

2011-10-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

it cuts into me
in the shape that you've designed
the pattern of my disappointment

trimmed down expectations
big chunks
and
little losses that ache
small shavings

you've orchestrated all from afar
digital blades
built of silences
and texts

i'm being handled by a
3G pushstick

whatever happened to
people i could count on?
analog kindness?
real hands, dewy with sweat, grabbing mine?

sentiment should soon be
with the waste
and i can't wait
to be rid of it

The Replacement

2011-10-11T21:12:00.000-07:00

It is subtle and very soft
like ultrasuede in dirty brown
it hides everything
ugly motives
jealousy
anger
even good things on occasion

it is funny queer funny and funny ha ha funny
like a puzzle with pieces made entirely of circles
there's no telling how it really fits in
or which place
which person
it preferences most

it is the replacement
and it waits for you to leave
after very quietly but repeatedly
whispering
"your time is up"

RIVER

2011-10-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

Drink from a clear river
and you don't know
its depth

Tomorrow it will be dry
you will skip a flat rock and it will crackle
in the dusty hardness of an empty
bed

In the smallness of a moment
the swollen mouth that once kissed you
will close

no longer welcome

the river will run for someone else
return to fluid and sparkle
caress wet stones deep and shining
reflect the sun onto the face
of its true love
or lover of the day
it will move and change course

like you

and

like rivers do.

The Violence Of Memory

2011-09-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

Roll over to the side of your bed
Take a breath that sounds like a sigh
Close my eyes and mark the moment
A mental sticky note in Reflex Blue

You say don't go

Later I go back to that spot
Write you a long letter with invisible ink
Tell you that my impatience is epic
Send you telepathic love

It's a game of opposites

Bite my tongue
Chop my fingers off
Rip the ringer off my phone
Take the sticky note and violate it

Mental scissors
sharp and pointed
turn guesswork
into firm decisions

i decide you never loved me (though you never had a chance)
i decide you never liked me either (but that's probably a lie)
i decide you never thought about me again (how would I know?)
after the first time we kissed

I use these decisions to cut you out
before i go to sleep
and every night instead of praying for patience
i pray to wake up with dry eyes

The violence of memory.

Divining Rod

2011-08-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

i walk with a stick that has no idea
where the water
is
but it leads me to trouble
every time.

--SD

I CALL BULLSHIT

2011-07-03T07:28:00.000-07:00

I Call Bullshit (originally posted 2008)

Bullshit when you don't have access to put it in there
Give me your blood and ripped out hair and then we'll have something
to talk about.
Give me your story of hunger so strong you thought you might kill
him for his popcorn.
Forget your brain for a minute and write about what happened when he
smoked your last cigarette, dropped you off on a cold, wet night
in front of a dive bar so he could park the car
and you waited for that son of a bitch and he
never fucking came back.

Talk to me about
the time you thought you'd met your husband for life
and instead you found out you'd met your child's father for life
but never your love

And where are all the James Dean explorers I once knew?
They're dead or making bad decisions somewhere shady
sitting cross legged in a late night spot
talkin' a big game to the beautiful girls
and saving the shit talk for the dogs in the group
but none of them notice the explorer anyway
because now he's old and sees his mistakes
and age doesn't let him tell his lies anymore like he once did
cuz the girls all want to have reality shows now
and know right away he can't produce...

Jesus, what in the world do I really know about making anything?
---let alone a masterpiece good enough to make you feel loved and
wanted and connected to me
---------like you should.

can't hear myself and
can't speak----not a sound--
you all think you hear me
but you each
hear only one wave
My son, like a dog, hears it all.

the highest frequency
comes at his little ears and we collide in an embrace any mother will
tell you evaporates the soul
into what feels like the vapors of existence
that turn pale blue with the memory of the bitter ice stuck on the
lips of your most treasured
last kiss
its a feeling like you never want to be that cold again
and you’re warm because he loves you so much now
\and you know it
and you feel your tears take your breath and twist it
weathering all those walls built by empty loves

so I say if a love can't hold your tears
and your cold and your heat and your memories of that last loved kiss
and your son's loving embrace
all at the same time
well
if a love can’t do that
I call bullshit.

cast out

2011-06-28T18:11:00.001-07:00

i cast the ghosts out into the grey
but beneath the throw
i've got tape

come back to me

come back to me

ROUGE

2011-06-20T17:52:00.000-07:00

married in a red dress
you will be by my side

do not think too hard
about the colour
do not think too hard
about death

we will be married in rain
sun will come later on
even with my red dress
with my red dress on

do not think too hard
about the colour
do not think too hard
about death

we will be married in rain
sun will come later on
even with my red dress
with my red dress on.

pick me up some ice
for the drink i'll be making
buy ourselves a lemon tree
and a shaker

don't worry, Love
it's only a marriage
the truth of the day is in the photos

as their corners turn in the fire
there's our yellow sun
even with my red dress
with my red dress gone

--Suzy Devere

Patch

2011-06-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

it's an ugly dress
that clothes you
now

torn in parts
the breeze on your
backside

it pulls at your waist
it has a patch where lace
once gathered

to see your flesh
like triangles on a highway
danger ahead

we call the poor
poor
but what do we call you?

you have lost the lights
the space in your mind that was sane
this reality

and your dress is worn.

--Suzy Devere

FOX HOLES

2011-06-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

i'm about to cut you with a something like a
bobby pin
but i mean to cut you

listen to the fan as it rumbles
thinking of your fingers as they fumble
i don't give a shit what others say
it's just that i don't believe
i don't believe

there's a dog in the distance chasing foxes
their holes are long and deep
run till they're caught
it's a trial and a
TRAGEDY....
tragedy

run till their caught
tragedy

why be obtuse about the future
why give excuses
pull the bullshit off the table
put the accents away
get your ducks out of the storage
set them up for
inspection

this is life not a poster
this is life not a theatre
this is life and those foxes run till they're
fucking
dead

TRAGEDY
run till they're caught
it's a trial and a
TRAGEDY....
tragedy

--Suzy Devere

WE ARE ALL AFRAID OF WHAT WE ARE CONFRONTED WITH

2011-06-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

It is not that someone is "too good to be true"
but rather
that there is no truth.

it is not that we are afraid of concepts
but that
a conceptual interpretation means nothing

Take my pride and you've landed a dragon.
It has been dead for longer than you've been alive.

Take my confidence and you've imagined yourself omnipotent
if so, you can see--and i know-- i survive past you.

Take my heart...
that's where i stop
and tiptoe
past the cliffs and fresh wind
that beg me to come into a future
because beneath it all
without truth
without clothing
without money
anger
joy
or God
I think my heart could have
it was
yours.
Take my heart
and you've now seen
how
a
Lady
cries.

--Suzy Devere

LET ME

2011-06-09T17:47:00.000-07:00

rub your fingers together
slowly
like there is a grain of sand between
and i will pretend i am there
in the middle
your loving touch on both sides

when you wrap around me
there's no more here or there
we are still separate
but i am engulfed

i've never been in love
with a man like you
and you've never held your love back
from a woman like me

we hit the floor
i slide away
sometime soon i'll slide away from this kind of love
but for today
please just

let me be young
find fire that is hot with possibility
between your fingers
and put your fingers
between
my legs.

Tulips and Tourniquets

2011-05-23T18:49:00.000-07:00

And you are before me with a twitching eye and something else that tells me you aren't comfortable...haven't been comfortable for a hundred years. Since the dogs stopped fucking next door and bit the ear off the little girl who was picking the tulip in the yard while your mother was boiling water for tea. Since the stars were constellations you wanted to know the names of, you haven't been comfortable with me. Because you know I ache. It starts when I open my eyes and realize we are still together, and that the day will bring minutes that we'll spend together. Our lives will be about taking my medicine on time and getting the insurance forms filled out right so the adjustments don't come back to us over and over again, like Australian boomerangs. You want me to feel loved. I want you to go away because my body aches from ills too numerous to list and my heart aches from falling out of love with you. Our long night--another in a string of many that will last until you become too tired to care for me, or I die--will start after Charlie's Angels re-runs and Dairy Queen, because a shake is all I can get down. We will never again be lovers, and I want to be small so you cannot see me in this bed of white bleached sheets and spit towels. I ache. And I don't want you to watch it.

I APOLOGIZE

2011-05-08T14:43:00.001-07:00

today is mother's day. and i am supposed to be filled with love. but i don't feel it.
here's what i remember most.

my mother waking me up at 2 am screaming "WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES!??!!!"
my response "I'm sorry" "i'm sorry" "i'm sorry"

even before I could talk, i feel i knew how to apologize,
even when i didn't know what i'd done wrong.

to this day when someone wakes me up when i'm sleeping, i get frightened and cover my face.
and apologize.

on mars

2011-04-24T17:11:00.000-07:00

you are about to fade away

like the superamerica sign in my rear view mirror
far away
mars far

disinterest not to make you hot
disinterest because i don't
sit at home alone like this

you
pull the ropes
love
sex
conversation

remind me mine is
a life i haven't shared
in years

it is not safe for me here
waiting

i say nothing of it

encourage you
to do your thing

you act like you're going to
yet
you keep
glancing over to see
if i will break

haven't bothered to tell you
i will be on mars

i am already
almost
there.

chag sameach

2011-04-18T17:46:00.000-07:00

somewhere
a family is waiting
for me
like they wait tonight
for
elijah

there is a chair
empty
a plate
a husband
a child whose heart
is weighted and wrapped with algae
sinking
imagining his mother gone

somewhere in another universe
i tell myself
i am missed
i am loved

WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT I MAKE

2011-03-20T13:34:00.001-07:00

wait till you see what i make. like a good surprise.
like finding a sand dollar with the face of jefferson.

<3

THEY WANT TO KNOW YOU. LESS.

2010-12-12T17:51:00.000-08:00

too many agendas for this
small space...

won't show up
so don't ask

will show up
so don't ask

don't know
so don't ask

only the people
who are always there
show

and instead of asking more
they
want to know
less.

SD

Watching

2010-12-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

Magic Carpet
by Daniel Wurtzel.

DOGS WITH KNOTS

2010-11-21T17:34:00.001-08:00

sink my teeth in
you sink yours
we twist
and spin
get close
rope in jaws
knots in teeth
it's not sex
we say
it's not love
we mean
but we don't know
we don't know
the only thing that's sure
is that
we're two dogs
with knots
and sometimes
we pull
so tight
we stare straight
at each other
while we pull
hard as we can
and go no where

dogs with knots

THE SAME

2010-11-16T18:29:00.001-08:00

you're looking for the steely reserve and hell bent ways of an old maid
a catch on my shoe to sound out like a night watchman that i'm coming to ruin your fun
someone to focus your angry glance on in public situations and a wound at the ready to pitch salt in

well here i am

i'm different than you expected but i've let you find a way

--maybe helped you
find the ways--

to make me feel
and look
the
same

you know it's true.

2010-11-14T13:32:00.000-08:00

being heartfelt hurts.

the end.

--SD

NOT YOUR FACE

2010-11-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

the television light reflects off your arms
and the rest of the room seems greenish grey
there's promise somehow but it feels like it's
stuffed under the cushion we're laying on

i've got my eyes wide open and yet i know there
are so many things i don't know enough to
recognize as you run your hands through my hair
and breathe into my neck

so many ways that are unclear to me now and
signs that sit right in front of me but that i can't
decipher yet, like the way you put your cellphone
upside down on the table and how you drive the long way

blindness is not always a choice
sometimes it is a lack of education

we kiss and you sleep
i leave
and
remember the cushion
the light from the t.v.
the upside down phone
but not your
face

SD

ALIENS

2010-10-31T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not exactly what you want
and you sigh
inside
wondering if i'm really the
right
girl for you
wondering if you should
settle

meanwhile
what you've done has made me
scream
WHAT THE FUCK?
but i'm still smiling
and it's flat and fake
couldn't freeze
any faker
like that disease people get
where they can't move their
muscles in their face
or smell anything

but you don't register
because you're looking at me
like you look at your
car
or a pair of expensive
italian shoes
or
god forbid
one of those
shitty horse paintings
you bought at keeneland
that make me
sad i'm a painter

i'm a thing
to you
and it doesn't cross your consciousness
that i have feelings and not just needs

and then you say
how great a 2 carat
would look on my
beautiful finger

stunned
i want to remind you that it's our first date
and more than that
that it's our last date and was all a big mistake
and more than that
are you really status dropping a 2 carat on me?
shouldn't you be aiming higher?
i mean, hypothetically, if you're going to
pull a ring size out of your ass to impress me
don't i look like i could do bigger than that?
and it's all so funny
because it's all so stupid

because all it would take
is love

i get a little pang inside as i think of the
rich boyfriend i actually did love
who bought me the world when all i wanted
was his time
which he was short on
and some manly
protection
which wasn't his way

and that's when
i know there's nothing further i can do
to make it through this
date
i am so terribly
suffering you
so
i say

i'm feeling quite ill
must go home
i do apologize

on the way home
you ask if i mind
if we stop
at the car wash

when they've finished drying you
get out and inspect the
wheels.

--SD

HOMAGE

2010-10-24T15:23:00.000-07:00

i have a disease
i can't name

...a vague memory of doing the same thing
before
but no idea how

i relearn the same tasks
over and over

people say i laugh more

lines like chicken scratch
on score cards
made of flesh
when i smile
convince me
it's true

i need a lot of help
but forget how much i ask of you
daily

so it's not as bad as it seems
because
at least there is no more embarrassment
no more shame
no more expectation based on past effort

i'm like a plain piece of metal
tabula rasa
flat
you see your reflection in it
in me
and admire your good deed
while allowing me to feel accomplished just by standing

this is a love letter
to all you
who know who you are
but won't remember

I LIMP

2010-10-18T15:31:00.001-07:00

anonymity
i loved it
but it's gone

i say fuck
and it goes global

i cry and my tears
fall in London

is there anything
i can do?

someone has more power
because of my love of
curse words and other phrases
not meant for pussies

i miss you

ironically

my relationship with you via anonymity
was my opportunity to be
known

and now?

i limp.

endless mediocrity awaits

as i contemplate what it means

to take the heels off

and get back on the bus.

--SD

THE COUCH

2010-10-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

you pull me down and grab me in places on my body i cannot reach myself
these spots have not been touched in months
since the physical therapist gave me my last eval and
that one-night stand i don't remember so can't regret

i try to move your hands because i'm not ready for what you want to happen
next

it's not that we aren't naturally moving forward but i know your motives and
you don't care about mine which sort of suits the situation but does not serve it

your breath is in my throat and your stubble rubs my eyelid all in the time it takes to
close my car door or seal a ziplock bag of cut apples
we are in love
without ourselves
for the moment we are not even people
because as people we don't know each other enough to say a polite hello in Starbucks
we are together and so close we can act as one

one that unnaturally never second guesses itself

A GIFT WORTH UNWRAPPING

2010-09-24T16:34:00.000-07:00

i will not be missed
and it is doubtful there will be many
real tears
for what i do here in this house
this city

for what i do for this country is very
small and
self-centered

but my memories
those beautiful grasses and webs of gold
my rage
its teeth shining white
eyes
those scenes i see that take place prompted by lightwaves
sourced from connections mine alone

this i worry
about leaving to no one
though no one
could inherit them

i know i've told you
about Him
how he left me things he would not take with him
his walk
his anger
his signature
his crooked teeth
his chicken neck
his broken love of home

you see? not all were gifts

he left me
burdens

and i am a compilation of these things
so denied
his incomplete parts
and they comprise
me
and i say

let death be a gift
---like a memory---
worth
unwrapping

--SD

THE ROUTINE

2010-09-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

he steps out of the shower
flakes of age
not snow
fall from his skin

each piece a relic

to be old has a smell about it
he thinks.

age accumulating inside
dense and thick
while
outside
parts are falling off

he wonders what it means to be a worn body in this world

he comes to decide it
depends a lot on who you love in your life
and who you have let
love you.

with that he sets his towel back on the hook
parts his hair in the same spot as the day before
and heads out.

I LIKE IT THIS WAY

2010-09-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

Journal-free, diary-free living. That's what I'm talking about. People want to share it all. But all of it is not worth anything, and some things should barely be thought, let alone written.

So I'll never be the one to give you the exact dates on a calendar when an event happened, I will be the one who remembers what I was wearing the moment I heard you were taking up with that woman I had a bad feeling about. Or how warm the sun was in Israel the day I walked to the beach in Tel Aviv for the first time and looked across the sand past the ocean, to the horizon line and realized how very far away you were. I wrote and asked for money and you sent none. But someone else wired me enough so I could get home. I remember that letter as a day. Your response (a non-response) as a lifetime. And the money I actually did receive as a minute.

Who needs a calendar?

MY COUNTRY SONG

2010-09-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

REFRAIN:
cuz If I loved you anymore
I'd have to love me less

--SD

you my unknown love

2010-09-03T19:19:00.000-07:00

longing is / tired eyes desperate to fall on something beautiful /late night under those /fluorescent lights / I want/ a candle / lit by a match / a match held in the hand of you / you my long gone / you my unknown love.

--SD

VELVET LOVE

2010-08-10T10:32:00.001-07:00

theirs won't be the complaining kind
soft lips big teeth velvet love
velvet love

push the basket back merry peddler
berry peddler
push the basket back and be on your way
leave the velvet love
for me

they take me up i go skipping merrily
merrily
room filled with lilacs and matelasse
white eyes with green insides
naievete says
marry me
marry me

home again home again
balinese wedding couple staring down at me
mocking
merrily
merrily

push the basket back merry peddler
berry peddler
leave the velvet love
for me

THROW MY PLANKS DOWN

2010-08-06T18:19:00.000-07:00

And for you

i will watch

as your demons

dig ditches

and

fast

fast

i will

throw my planks down.

SD

KEY

2010-08-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

Dear dulled key

that opens no lock

how heavy you sit in my hand

how falsely you shine in the sun

you are futility and purposelessness

fate without luck or skill

you are bleakness that does not bleed or cry

your mass, no matter how small, a burden

your form a mask that speaks a lie

you bring no benefit

but i never throw you away.

SD

look like

2010-07-14T19:08:00.000-07:00

i will push it and bite it
rip through the edges
roll the muscle under my tongue
and remind myself to
wipe my face because

i am not supposed to look like

an animal.

SD

ART, HUNGER, or ANGER?

2010-06-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

so i eat a bite and wrap it back up, stuff it back into the cold section, and walk out. whoever buys that sandwich will have a story.

2010-04-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

i will let go of the balloon you gave me
because you are now following me
with a pin.

---SD

EVERYONE ELSE IS WALKING

2010-04-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

if you rip through the screen
there's a
vast
fast
desert
on the other side

and if you push hard
on the
handle
your bike will go
on
and
on

and you will see there
is no
other side
it's the
same
here as there

the only difference is
you
have a fast
fucking
bike

and
everyone else
is
walking.

--SD

when you feel like it

2010-03-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

there are things that are up to me
to do

cook
clean

walk
run

laugh
pee

but there are other things i must
wait for

kiss
hug

conversation
understanding

drowning

2010-03-21T03:15:00.000-07:00

with a little breath
i push my tummy
up

and in comes the water
my tongue
goes forward to push it out
i
swallow

here comes that
feeling

wake up
and cough

no one here
no one here

and i barely
exist

my bed is the high wire
my breath is the bar

no one here
no one here

its a water place

2010-03-11T14:35:00.000-08:00

it's a water place
with lights and birds on their
wires
strung across the trees

you touch my hair with your
cigarette fingers and we act
like we don't notice it's time

to go inside
to put our coats on
to eat something

maine
the quiet side
beads around my unassuming
neck

eyes that see water and don't know
how rare it
is

marionettes and shar pei's

2010-01-21T18:44:00.001-08:00

i see an old
woman and some
young
loose
thing

you turn your
head
for both

you are a vulture
circling
dark
sharp

you are black
against my blue
sky

and

we will
become
old
who
wait for you
to
grow up.

--SD

Ants

2010-01-18T13:28:00.000-08:00

ants will crawl all over your picnic
if you don't watch out

and whatever you do

don't set down your spoon
till your ice-cream's
all gone.

--SD

...on looking into a heart too far

2010-01-12T02:40:00.000-08:00

W-O-W
i repeat that with
wide eyes
and
cigarette smoke rings
like
half a gumshoe detective
impressed with a caper
and
half an indian
freaked the fuck out
and sending smoke signals
back
to the "real world"

--SD

LOVE IS A CUNT

2010-01-10T18:54:00.000-08:00

i will slice myself into swallowable bits and arrange to be
rolled in by the help
just to get the last word.

Oh, Love, you are a cunt.

--SD

FAN

2010-01-09T18:48:00.000-08:00

there's a reason
they say
"it never hurts to try"

and that is precisely because of what it feels like
when you don't

you would not imagine it to be true but

i

am a fan of

the grande gesture.

you know...
where you pretend
you can be

"the big hand to wipe it all..."

you know.

and goddamnit
if i can put the
queen size mattress cover
on
by myself

stretch its bleak
utilitarianism
across its big empty mass
of puffy
aloneness
by myself

and all in white, no less.

who am i kidding?

--SD

talking back

2010-01-08T17:14:00.000-08:00

CRUISE SHIP (reposted from Feb. 1, 2009)

2010-01-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

I hear you and you are
so remote
far from me like icebergs i see through binoculars
and hear
over a cold sea

i want to get closer
i thought we were the same?
but look, there you are
over there
magnificent
natural

and thats when i notice what i am
in relation to you

nothing the same...

my body is the big cheap cruise ship
faded white with strange gold accessories

soul is the little man
washing dishes

cleaning toilets
constantly being belittled and
forgotten

my mind is the asshole
laying on the deck chair
showing off

ordering mix drinks
smoking to look cool
trying to fuck the rest of the passengers
just because he
can

and my love is the bartender

listening to everyone else's
stories
patiently serving them all
longing for so many things
hidden beneath his smile

the bartender whose name no one knows

the quiet bartender who gives the impression
he will be
endlessly
silently
replaced
and
replaced
and
replaced

and so i look again
at your amazing integration

stare down at my fucked up
crew

look again
at your integration
nothing separate
you are one "thing"
fully engaged
involved and massive

and i feel cheap
so i close my eyes
turn the music up

float away

wet metal

2010-01-06T08:40:00.000-08:00

i am wet metal

lain across

power lines

staring

at

plastic

ON THE HORIZON LINE

2010-01-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

crumpled
twisted
set afire

set ablaze
set aback

take me to the mirror

i see only fire
on the
horizon line

RAINBOW OVER ALCATRAZ

2009-12-26T13:50:00.000-08:00

like ten wheels on a dirt road
my desire ran you down

how wide are your eyes?
how wide was your view?

have you gone past the fence post
since i left town?

coming home to
gone

yelling hello
echoes
VHS
tapes in corners
chinese menus
from 1989

dusty love
sweetheart, there's a rainbow over alcatraz

ten wheels on a dirt road
desire ran you down

--SD

so fucking smart

2009-12-24T13:57:00.000-08:00

i make an excuse and beg a little

say

can i have just a minute sweetheart?

push the top of my tongue to the back of my mouth
pretending to suck on a candy simply
so i can keep myself from shouting
deeply disturbing observations about
your borderline personality
that you will never
(i promise you, ever)
get over if they happen to leave my mouth

chomp

swallow

like a fifties wife i squeek

"sweetheart, i understand"

and i know i'm keeping the knife that is my tongue
sharp in the drawer of my mouth for one more night
and i count how many ways i am a failure
for not leaving you
or telling you
i am smarter than i act

but maybe i'm not that smart
because i can't give up the
game even though i'm losing

what's that they say about Einstein?
if he's so fucking smart
why is he so fucking
dead?

--SD

on your way home

2009-12-23T14:02:00.000-08:00

plop myself down with a drink
ice cubes shift
make that clink i love
body sinks
into the cushions
soft and malleable under my ass
all seems right
until the door creaks
and i remember
you
are on your way
home

--SD

Idiot Savant

2009-12-21T18:12:00.000-08:00

i danced like there was fire

little pebbles of flame between

each

goddamn

toe

high-stepped

cross-tailed

and ate my own shit

to stay in line

with you.

needless to say.

you

are blind

deaf

and i'm just now realizing

s-l-o-w

which in some circles

equals

idiot savant

but you

my darling

are

just

half

of that.

--SD

hungry

2009-12-20T06:51:00.000-08:00

searching the cupboard for the can
that has the soup
to reheat

the stove has a fire that turns off and on
with a turn of a knob
i twist it

twist
twist
twist

but nothing

no flame
no gas
no heat

no soup

i go to bed
hungry

DISAPPEAR

2009-12-18T16:05:00.000-08:00

what if i told you that
every time i look at it i think
"i will never be able to take care of it"?

can i tell you how many
countless times i've tried to abandon
it to the wolves of silence
only to find that it

speaks?

where is the conversation going to go
when you realize that i cannot face
it
alone?

and what is the worst sin
for a mother?

what we don't speak etches itself in the
greens and yellows of our eyes and
the grays of the shadows underneath

it takes only a cursory glance to see
we never learned
and now can't pass on

that.

DONT YOU SPEAK IT

and i will try
to pretend closing my eyes
makes my shortcomings
disappear.

CRY FROM MY BRAIN

2009-12-06T04:44:00.000-08:00

i will scratch out my eyes

then cry from my brain

i'm not sure

but i think

you don't matter

and its just the

leaving

that hurts.

--SD

what would it be

2009-12-06T04:30:00.001-08:00

i wanted to go camping / to walk in the woods / to watch t.v. / to eat a t.v. dinner / to wear your pajamas / to fight over the channel changer / to yell that you left the toilet seat up / to meet your family / to be part of a family / to have company / to be alone but not lonely / to have an end of a day be the same as the beginning / to feel comfort / to give comfort / to know what you were going to say before you say it / to laugh at your jokes / to laugh at myself.

i wanted to know that you'd take me home / know that you'd pick me up / be sure that you were proud to be with me.

now i will never know / what your handwriting looks like / what your room looks like / what your parents look like / how you eat when you are around your mother / if you ever liked me.

if you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

if i could change something about myself it would be...

Odysseus

2009-12-05T16:24:00.000-08:00

the odyssey
ate my
baby

ALONE IS BETTER

2009-12-03T16:43:00.001-08:00

alone is better
than together with myself
when i feel this way
why can't i
how can i
be alone again
instead of with me?

--SD

THROW THE BALL

2009-11-22T14:00:00.001-08:00

i throw the ball
you catch it
you throw the ball
i catch it
i hide the ball
you run away
i find the ball
run after you
you take the ball
give it away
we stand
empty handed
near the park
and wonder
what to play.

FROM MYSELF

2009-11-20T21:04:00.001-08:00

the things i cover include
my breasts
my thighs
my pussy
my feelings
my tears
my grown up wounds
my bitterness
my courage
my deep and debilitating
love
for all things
loveless.

but you knew this all
already
and so i'm hiding from
myself.

just let me.

---SD

Toothpicks and Glue

2009-11-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

hollow

fragile

held together by

toothpicks and glue

make my insides turn blue

there is no goodbye

toothpicks and glue

follow the manual

straight from the kit

toothpicks and glue

--SD

GOOD AS GUM

2009-11-08T11:45:00.000-08:00

we sign on the dotted line

with

chewing gum

not with blood like the soldiers in the field

not with ink like the lawyers on Fifth Ave

but with watered down, tired out, stringy

chewing gum

so we can pretend we never really signed it

act like it's a mistake

seem surprised when we don't live up to something

written on that page

chewing gum so we can

pull back and

snap

leaving nothing but a little grease mark

where the commitment

once was.

--SD

wringing vs. wiping

2009-11-06T19:02:00.000-08:00

if i thought you'd understand

i might tell you how it feels

to wring my hands

over you

after all these years

how it feels to finally think

i've found

someone

only to find that you want me

to wring my hands

with worry

all the time

keeping me on notice

letting me know that

at any time

for some reason i don't understand

for some "thing" i've accidentally done

you may choose

to leave

because i'm just not worth it

to you

and here i am

wringing my hands

with worry

instead of

wiping my tears

of lonliness

ain't love grande

--SD

Eat That

2009-11-02T17:14:00.000-08:00

Bite it hard

Rip it in half

It's a

half

truth

half

dollar

I've half a mind

to beat

my fists

half

hard

as you

beat

with your

fancy mind fuck

sleeping with

half

heart

half way

to the

door

half a moon

over

the

half

self

since you

beat

down

with your

fancy

mind fuck

sleeping with

half

heart

half way

horse shoes

losing

being shorter than the tallest tale

i cry in my feet but my

eyes are dry

and i walk to the fridge

and eat that

half sandwich

you left

--SD

like soma

2009-10-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

one less kiss goodnight

why cry?

losing you saves me time

one less kiss...saves me time

one less kiss goodnight

--SD

You Exist

2009-10-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

you exist

in a small envelope

misty sleep

wine breath

wet thighs

and

i dream of

my finger in your

teeth

of those

damp-necked kisses

of that

closed-window-small-room-sex smell

and of

hope.

--SD

WHEN I CRY

2009-10-05T16:42:00.000-07:00

the light pounds

bears down

hangs a hollow me

by brittle ribs

other bones i leave unnamed

dangle and clatter

then,

out of this mess

drops an echoless heart

the most fickle stone

i am death's flag

when i cry.

--SD

COWBOY'S WORLD

2009-10-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

i give you the lead and you

wrap that long rope

'round your wrists

pulling me loosely to you

the leather smells like the oil

from the palms of your hands

my hair gets caught when you

twist to the right

clouds shade our shapes in the dirt

far away we hear dogs barking

we stop for a drink

then keep on

it's a cowboy's game

and down deep i pray

somewhere there's a

wet rain on its way to slick my back

and make you

hold on tight to me.

--SD

MAKE ME

2009-09-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

Ask me something

easy

Tell me something

hard

Skew me up

tight

and

make me

burn

because i

won't

weep.

xx

2009-09-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

slow to understand

my own

aches with eyelids worn thin,

speckled fear pinches my ass

and lets me know i've

steamrolled you

again.

WE ARE

2009-09-20T18:54:00.000-07:00

soft centered

gelatinous

ever morphing edges

sound plummeting

jumping

we are the care takers of these things

loose and blown away when we don't

paperweight them with death

the endlessness of ending

the bleakness of fast forward

missing everything magical

pregnant import flattened by speed

the news arrives before the act

we've fallen from our high before the taxi door

swings open

it is light with dimmers that never shines full tilt

we are love that never gets

possessed

we are

silent

forms

speeding

waves

time without

pause

no context

2009-09-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

white

black

green

grey

blue

purple

all the same

in the dark

all the same

when listening

all the same

when appearing

alone

--SD

GIVE ME

2009-09-18T20:12:00.001-07:00

and all i've got will go to waste

a body

divorced from kindness

from the efforts of love

fall into the furnace

full

pull me to you

give me an out

give me

a kiss

give me...

if you only knew

what i've got here.

--SD

HEURISTICS

2009-09-16T14:10:00.001-07:00

he's gorgeous, riding his bike

(NO LICENSE--D.U.I)

handsome, those muscles

(BANGING OUT STOLEN CARS)

so funny and energetic

(WHITE LINES)

and oh, isn't he a dreamy baby daddy?

--SD

on beauty as camouflage, when death is 'the thing'

2009-09-10T13:31:00.000-07:00

sometimes the beautiful rises to the top, like the final bubble formed from the breath of the last half-man / half-fish. other times beauty lands atop, like pollen that finds itself wetted, stuck to the stillness of a cemetary pond. but rising or falling, beauty refuses to function as an absolute camouflage for death. and sometimes, beauty is death.

--SD

when i draw you

2009-09-10T12:44:00.000-07:00

when i draw you

i will use scant

line

my hand will

make marks

described as

'barely there'

and it will be

like we're used to

me looking

working

and you

walking away

--SD

WHAT YOU WANT ISN'T HERE

2009-09-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

find it on the wrong side of the fence

there's no polite way to say

what you want isn't

here

no party to be thrown for

empty bags

we can dance in circles and drink each other's drink

two-step to the barely-there melody of the radio next door

snort cocaine made of detergent and pretend it's fun

but this bullshit is for amateurs

there's something bigger on the other side

of the wrong side of the fence

there's no polite way to say

what you want

isn't here

--S.D.

THE WAY IT IS / PART II

2009-09-01T16:27:00.001-07:00

THE WAY IT IS

2009-09-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

they pushed me but they didn't know

i wouldn't bother fighting

rock

paper

scissors

gun.

--SUZY DEVERE

CARVED IN A TREE

2009-08-29T06:01:00.000-07:00

small memories

torn moments

pieces

fragments

soft

lulling waves

sentiment rolling like

clouds

breathe in

kind

soft

warm

breathe in

those words

that

were about to

fall out

breath in

the smell of you

time stops

tears come

love shields my eyes

with tears

we are

never

apart

there is a place that quantum physics makes

for us

where we are always

and forever

together

--SD

What? Should we give up?

2009-08-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

Amazing photographs of you and your

lover

your husband

that guy, the one i don't have anyone like

and they're all beautiful

you are beautiful and he is looking at you

adoring you

holding you close

your eyes and lips poised for recognition

from his love

photograph after photograph

there it is

your coupledom

as much as i'd like to pretend it's fake

you can't be that happy

no one finds true love

it won't last

it was all for the camera

--need i go on?--

in fact you do love

each other

respect

admire

believe in

each other

so what about the rest of us?

who don't have that

kind of love

or even

some of us

who don't

have

any kind of

romantic love

at all?

What?

Should we just

give up?

--S.D.

POSERS BEWARE

2009-08-26T05:12:00.000-07:00

we see you.

and no, we are not impressed.

---SD

endlessly alone

2009-08-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

heavy like bags of gold

my past drops at my feet

you feel me reach

to find you

to light your cigarette

to light the candle

by your eyes

i want you to see me

you don't look

instead

you go

smoking the cigarette

and taking the candle

to guide your way

to the bar

where you use

the stories i've told you

to make yourself more

interesting.

--SD

HAIR TREE

2009-08-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

one

strand

time

tug

then

another

one

strand

time

then

nimble-

fingered

weaving

that

hair

could

yours

have

you

ever

felt

little

tug

and

wondered?

turned

around

and

one

was

there?

one

time

tug

form

little

tree

what

pretty

picture

and

off

goes

the

highest

bidder

goodbye!

and

tears

for

hair

tree

enemies

--SD

LOVE IS STRANGE

2009-08-14T17:37:00.000-07:00

i said goodbye

by going.

it was a long night

of no sleep.

i forgot you until

i read your name.

who would have thought

a blowjob could turn out

this way

LOVE IS STRANGE.

HONESTY

2009-08-13T18:30:00.001-07:00

a blunt fact thrown out into the room

falls flat and shatters into splinters

sharp shards stick in cracks and dirt between the floorboards

nestle deep inside the woolen loops of my asian rug

i make a bad joke

use crassly some pretty words

because

i've broken something dear

your ego

and really

i want to please you

the comedy sweeps along the fragments of

honesty

and pushes them toward the open door

we smile and never see each other again.

FUGATIVE

2009-08-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

burn like a colour you cannot name

you will not recognize

your skin will sear

eyes will tear

it is not what you can withstand

you've no experience

with that place that burns your skin

a mark

an etching through your flesh

a branding

i've been branded and shipped

been through the shoots

and escaped

under the posts

run for my life

been faster than that hellicopter

than that dog

wild horses raised me in canyons

and i gave you myself

out of the small well of humanity i have left

and ignorance

but i am one with all things fugative

escaped

animals

i am

as they say

raised by wolves

wild horses

runaway

cattle

and you

whispered

sweetly

once.

__SD